Growing up in a family with seven kids and two parents, it wasn’t easy to find places of quiet and solitude. The sheer number of family members, plus the small size of the home, did not lend itself to the quiet, stress-free, calm environment where kids can thrive. A private spot to read, study, and relax was minimal. If an opportunity arose, I capitalized on it, and it was in these spaces that I felt free. Those times were rare, so I relished them.
I also sought safe places outside of the home. Participating in life-giving experiences included participating in sports and taking my weekly solo trips to the public library. The library became a second home. I would spend hours at the library on weekends, reading nonstop. I always signed out a bundle of books to take home, and during the week, I would attempt to find a quiet place to read in silence. Playing sports, visiting the library, and reading books were safe spaces and activities for me. These opportunities not only cleared space for me to engage in things I loved thoroughly, but also allowed me to excel in them and to thrive. And it is no surprise that, at seventy years of age, two of my passions remain playing soccer and reading.
What made these places safe for me, both at home and outside the house?
In those spaces, I felt more in control of my environment and more able to make personal choices. I was able to engage in things I liked to do and activate the things that brought me joy. I embraced the quiet, calm, and stillness. I was unburdened by expectations, judgment or criticism. I was able to focus and connect with what I was interested in, without interruptions. Those activities provided what Dr. Henry Cloud calls, “an environment where instead of people getting injured, discouraged and burnt out, [people] are equipped to become what they never thought they could be and achieve things they never thought they could achieve.”
Several years ago, my wife and I reflected on our childhoods, beginning a process of examining our past and how it influenced our present. We spent time identifying situations and environments where we felt safe to be fully ourselves, and situations where we did not. We explored how we felt in both those safe and unsafe places. We then considered some of the attributes of those different spaces and what made them safe or unsafe, to help guide our decisions about which current spaces are safe. These were thought-provoking discussions. We explored times when we felt seen, heard, and valued. Our discussions have helped us to be better equipped to assess which spaces we ought to avoid, which ones to enter, and which ones to invest in. Here are some questions we created to help us reflect on what constitutes a safe place for us:
Would the situation, place, or event,
- Foster genuine connection and attachment?
- Allow space for vulnerability and attachment?
- Be a space where people are seen and take an active interest in others?
- Prioritize authenticity and uniqueness?
- Tolerate questions and discussion, free of judgement and criticism, and further encourage understanding and empathy?
- Allow for differing opinions and honesty?
- Celebrate personal and group growth?
- Be inclusive and welcoming?
Taking the time to assess what makes spaces safe has been helpful. The questions have enabled us to make informed decisions about which spaces allow us to flourish. And when we cannot avoid entering less safe spaces, we are better prepared to handle them. We have formed boundaries where, instead of getting wounded or burnt out, they make us better equipped to enjoy life, find time to engage in activities that bring us delight, and find the safe spaces where we can thrive.