By the age of seventy, I thought that I had figured out things. I had some certainty about who I was, my interests, and how to act in social and work situations. After many years of being a husband, father, raising a family, and building a successful career, I felt settled, proud of my achievements, and how I had grown as an individual. My journey from being a young man has been both gratifying and fulfilling. 

Recently, though, I made a liberating discovery.

Last spring, as I was preparing to present at the Better With Age Retreat at Barnabas Island, I spent time researching how one’s identity and purpose evolve as they age. To feel confident about providing relevant information to the participants, I wanted to learn more about identity and purpose, particularly on how they each impacted my life’s journey.

I learned that “identity” answers the question, “Who am I?” Our identity distinguishes the self from others. It is affected by many factors such as race, career, and religion. Our identity is not static, but is fluid as it changes with life’s experiences, including ageing, career transitions, relocation, parenthood, and retirement. At an earlier age, I allowed my identity to be shaped by the expectations around my roles as a husband, father, provider, educational leader, and professional. Primarily, the pressures and expectations of my job influenced my identity, voice, and platform.

As the hourglass ran and the time came for me to retire from my career as a senior educational leader, I was starting to become aware that things were shifting. I began to feel that, with retirement, I had lost my identity, voice, and influence. As my circumstances changed, I wondered what was next. I was also unsure about how to describe my identity and purpose. Even though I knew this is typical when people retire, as responsibilities and influence diminish, I found it unsettling. 

In the research for my presentation, I also learned that “purpose” answers the questions “Why am I?” and “Why do I act, serve, and do the things that I do?” Purpose involves using the strengths, talents, and gifts you have to contribute and serve. It is that inner flame and spirit that drives our lives when we feel excited, passionate, and engaged. It also influences how we interact with our family and other relationships. Purpose influences one’s identity as it contributes to one’s overall sense of self-worth, self-esteem, and confidence.

A key discovery I made as I dug into the research was how formative identity and purpose are. Identity and purpose are foundational, and they in turn play a significant role in establishing our beliefs, values, purpose, and mission. Our identity and our purpose are deep-seated, lifelong, and consistent. It doesn’t matter what age we are. They are fundamental because they drive the choices we make and how we act, behave, and interact with others in our world. 

Aging is an extraordinary process where you become the person you always should have been. David Bowie

Being confronted with this information prompted a self-assessment of my own thoughts about my identity and purpose, helping me to explore how they have influenced my life. This deep dive led to unearthing new perspectives about my life from the early years, the middle years, and the later years. Questions arose:

• Did I even know my identity and purpose?
• What people and what other forces influenced the formation of my identity and purpose?
• Did my identity and purpose that was formed accurately reflect my strengths, interests, and character?
• Did I allow societies expectations to influence my identity and purpose?
• Did I mask who I was to fit in with these expectations, and if so, why?

The more I reflected, I began to see that I had unknowingly allowed the expectations around my roles as leader, husband, father, and friend to shape my life’s journey significantly. I had bent and moulded myself to meet those expectations, aiming to achieve success and gain control. Like others, I realized the efforts I had made to mould myself to meet those expectations.

It is only now, over ten years after my retirement, that I have begun to realize this came at a physical, social, and emotional cost. I now recognize how it was a constant and emotionally taxing journey. Through discussions with my wife, additional reading, and further research, I have come to realize how deeply I had to mask my feelings and the intense emotional turmoil I experienced. My identity, clearly influenced by corporate pressure and expectations, while allowing me to achieve success, had also caused anxiety, pain, and difficulty.

Although I was unaware of doing so, I had buried these feelings. Yes, I was successful. Yes, I enjoyed my job. But it had come at a cost. It is only through doing the research that this revelation and others have come to fruition. 

People don’t resist change. They resist being changed!  Peter Senge

I feel apprehensive with this admission because I still feel the pressures of societal expectations around what it means to be a man, husband, father, and leader. Unfortunately, it is still commonly believed that one should not disclose and share one’s genuine inner thoughts and feelings.

Having a prolonged period of time to reflect on who I am today as compared to my earlier years has been freeing. I can now acknowledge that it is not only permissible to be vulnerable and be authentic, but it is critical for your physical, emotional, spiritual, and mental well-being.

I will continue to post my reflections and insights as I launch my new blog, The Annal. From this recent discovery to unearthing others, I will be sharing my reflections. The personal freedom that has arisen from these discoveries has led to self-acceptance, where I no longer morph myself to fit into expectations. I hope that my insights can be freeing for you as well.

At seventy, for the first time in my long journey, I feel increasingly authentic and free. I still have a ways to go, but I am now confident that learning, transformation, and peace within oneself is possible for any of us at any age.

I invite you to join me on this journey of discovery, to take the first step, and begin to find your authentic self.